date:
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
okay mugging's making me go mental.
this is what i did ALONE at coffee bean while doing chem mcqs.
i acted my own short story!
first scene: Shu getting frustrated with chem, giving it the 'look'
scene 2: Shu decided to think. a little anw.
scene 3: sneak peek
scene 4: EUREKA!!!
my secret: ans key!!!
lol. okay NO ONE saw it. or so i hoped=S haha that's what chem does to you. it causes you to aspire to be a director over youself=)
hahs.
okay prelims are finally over.
expiry date's tdy. Emotions run raw and afresh.
but we've signed a new covenant.
trust in the Lord, and nvr fear for He will honor His word, and be faithful to His promises.
Amen.
kaela @
11:13:00 PM
date:
Des'ree - You gotta be
Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry
You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day
Herald what your mother said
Reading the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
My oh my, heh, hey
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day
Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
You can't stop it, if you try to
This time it's danger staring you in the face
Remember
Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
My oh my heh, hey, hey
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day
kaela @
12:41:00 AM
date:
Saturday, August 26, 2006
super exhausted.
the one night i can finally sleep in peace, i wasn't given that fortune. had a terrible nightmare that's still stuck in my head. was at this eerie chalet and i saw a ghost. yes a white-gowned, long black messy hair female ghost, with a really evil countenance. and yes i still rmb the way she tore the woman apart, the way her evil eyes glinted, and the screams of the hunted people, and the terror and fear and hopelessneess i felt. after 3 days of little slp, with this night of terror, i'm really feeling zombietic. but i'm afraid to go to slp, the image of that she-ghost haunts me.
help me
kaela @
10:43:00 PM
date:
Friday, August 25, 2006
i guess it'll take awhile for me to adjust to this... i'll leave my forgetting mechanism to do it's stuff. once i forget., it'll al be over. and i'll be able to move on completely. not that i want to forget all the times, but i have to, in order to move on... so, i'm really sorry.. i might even start ignoring you and getting pissed at you, but that's the process of forgetting. do me a favour and bear with it. i'll get you a punching bag and stick a pic of my face on it. so we're even yup.
kaela @
12:51:00 AM
date:
Thursday, August 24, 2006
what can i say?
okay yes it feels shitty.
but it's for the greater good! bleah~
gta roll your eyes there~ =S
okay so that's it. course we'll still be buddies and all... just take it one step at a time, see how it goes i guess. have math paper up next in... 3 hours? and my eyes are still swollen. damn. luckily hongjie reminded me of the miracles of coffee and it cured my grogginess in my head. so i'm gg for a 3 hour paper later, and i just hope i don't screw this up cause paper one's alr screwed=S
okay, i think it's time i finally got out of my dream and face up to reality. not that i have a choice. people keep poking my bubble. and bubbles don't exactly hold very well... so yes, after one month, i've finally decided to let it go, and let God do the rest. i've done my part, now's His turn. just hope it pays off.
anw, i realised, from the many bubble pokers that came, that yes, i've grown from independent and strong to dependent and weak. and that's gna change, cause weak people will just get cast out sooner or later. what's that person's rule? sth abt survivor of the fittest thing. ya whatever. time i stood on my own again. swollen eyes and a red nose only put my social image on the plank. i'm gg to start working of what i want, not by myself, but with God, my family, and of course, my friends. i'm gg to prove to MYSELF that i can survive ! oh ya. Darwin's theory that is.
okay so occasionally i might go on some emo rides, but that's perfectly okay! so long as it ends by the time the sun shines on me again. cause obviously, the world doesn't get any better with me moping in my room, nor does it get any worse.
oh btw, random thought. jasmine tye is super lousy. she should be out. least joakim still has the idol looks. after jasmine, he should be booted. Singapore doesn't need lousy singers to be ambassadors of our music to the world.
okay i'm back, single, but definitely kicking. my focal point for now, would be As, and def qt and svc. other than that, people who poke me, here's your cue to FREAKING STOP! i'm of age legally so it doesn't leave you guys with the 'oh you're young and immature and therefore i have to disciple and guide you' attitude. just get the shit out of my life. i'm booting you guys out of my life. i don't need your critics to put me down any longer. i don't need your scornful looks to throw my dignity 3 feet down. GET OUT!
what i really need, are sincere people, not those with the practised smiles and high pitched laughter. just plain give me goosebumps.
yup so i'll end off by thanking God Almightly, He who strengthens and reassures me of His undying love, my ever-there confidantes, my starshine and moonshine (seriously the names still remind me of carebears!!) , my 5 months plus companion,for all your giving and love, and my ever concerned family. thankyou, with all my heart. i'm not letting you guys down.
kaela @
11:39:00 AM
date:
So sick Lyrics
(Artist: ne-yo)
Mmmm mmm yeah
Do do do do do do do-do
Ohh Yeah
Gotta change my answering machine
Now that im alone
Cuz right now it says that we
Cant come to the phone
And I know it makes no sence
Cuz you walked out the door
But its the only way i hear your voice anymore(its ridiculous)
Its been months
And for some reason i just(cant get over us)
And im stronger then this(enough is enough)
No more walkin round
With my head down
Im so over being blue
Cryin over you
And im so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said im so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why cant i turn off the radio?
Gotta fix that calender i have
Thats marked July 15th
Because since theres no more you
Theres no more anniversary
Im so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memory
And how every song reminds me
Of what used to be
Thats the reason im so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said im so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why cant i turn off the radio?(Leave me alone)
Leave me alone (Stupid love songs)
Dont make me think about her smile
Or having my first child
Let it go
Turning off the radio
Cuz im so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said im so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why cant i turn off the radio?(why cant i turn off the radio?)
Said im so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said im so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why cant i turn off the radio?(why cant i turn off the radio?)
And im so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishin you were still here
Said im so sick of love songs so sad and slow
Why cant i turn off the radio?(why cant i turn off the radio?)
Why cant i turn off the radio?
kaela @
10:31:00 AM
date:
Friday, August 18, 2006
sigh prelims have started.... so far, all the papers are to die for. literally!! lol. really terrible=S sigh.. feel kinda demoralized... next paper's on wed... chem paper 2. followed by math p2 on thurs and econs 1&2 on fri... don't really feel like mugging alr. feel so burned out.. =S
sigh so much has happened recently...the good, the bad. the sweet, the not so sweet. =S haha talk abt contrast. you'll get used to it after awhile.
spent last week mugging. and not mugging. mugged hard on mon, and on tues at lido with xinle. had tuition on national day and mugged at mac, and went for shawn's birthday chalet. yep stayed over. didn't feel like gg home, causeb the jourey would take me close to 2 hours=S it's a really ulu chalet, close to old changi hospital. risked the state of my mental health waking past 'ghost houses' to the chalet. left early next morning, and didn't get to slp. rushed out to west coast to celebrate qiu's birthday. gosh... it didn't seem like one week ago. rather, it seems like it was just 2 days ago! time flies when you're deep mugging.. worst thing is, it leaves you with no sense of satisfaction whtsoever, so much so it's duration is dinminutive in the sight of my memory. time just passes. yes. just passing. not living through time, but simply having time pass me by... that day was simply beautiful... flew the kite we got her, ate cakse at mac, played at the playground, encouraged shao to swing... sigh.. in that time i left prelims at the back of my mind...
mon, rainer went for obs. house is empty without him. hah. no one's coming up to bug me, no one's hogging the phone, no one's dota-ing. this life, i can live with! lol. hmmmm he'll be home sooon... i'll have to put a big sign on my bed: keep off esp if you havent showered!!' laughs~ kinda miss that thin stick though. he's the one who gives me sth to practise my nagging =) plus he buys me chips!! lol~
kel stayed over to mug math with me. i was damn exhausted after gp p1 and 2 and econs p3. kept dozing off=S tues mugged at beans. shit time seems to pass damn fast lah. it seems like this afternoon, but it's 2 days ago alr. yup went for tuition after, and went home to mug chem. i was so sleepy, i managed to overturnm not only the chair i was sittting in, but also the other roller chair (my brother's) that i was sticking my legs in. totally unglam. and not quiet=S. =S
ytd, took the day off... tdy, back on track. mugged at kap.. been mugging there pretty often.. over the weekend esp.. not bad... cept it's noisy.. which is quite bad=S see contradictory? lol.
oh ya i'm picking a name for myself. any suggestions? cause shuhui is damn common, and eng names are easier to call and rmb.. so yup. so far, a throw between kayla or kaela, and kaida. kayla means wise child in arabic, kaela means beloved sweetheart in american, and kaida means little dragon in jap. my mum like kaida. liy like kayla. yuan likes kaela. so yup vote ! tag your vote in my tagboard so i'd know! plus any other nice names you know that suit me=)
yup.. life now is too complicated. i don't really know what we are. ..
kaela @
1:35:00 AM
date:
Sunday, August 06, 2006
been having down days... tdy..... everything just seems so wrong and yet not wrong at the same time..
firstly, it's chc's 17th bday at singapore indoor stadium.. and i didn't go, cause although svc is only from 11-2, i would have to wake at 640 to reach there by 9, and after delays and travelling i would reach home abt 4 plus exhausted, and would have to rest till after dinner before i can mug again.
however, tdy is just totally not productive at all. at all!!! i don't know why... i just can't seem to find the mood to mug at all. sigh. okay the marshmellows and oreo crush was good, but it didn't mean that i could mug... sigh and it's nearly 10 too...
and church people are quite unhappy i didn't go tdy, and i feel bad too, esp since i didn't mug..
i feel like i'm just trying to run away and avoid meeting certain people. i'm too tired of having to explain or account to others why i made certain decisions and choices. i mean, hello, isn't it like MY life we're talking abt? even though it pretty much sucks, it still belongs to me. don't tell me what i should or shouldn't do, and don't make me explain myself to you!!! why should i ! you guys aren't even my family!
ergh. i'm getting so confused. it feels great to just lose myself in our own world, but we can't! the world's just too demanding. we have to please so many people, account for our actions and beg for forgiveness even though we don't really agree but just cause we have to .
toy.An object for children to play with.
Something of little importance; a trifle.
An amusement; a pastime: thought of the business as a toy.
A small ornament; a bauble.
A diminutive thing or person.
To treat something casually or without seriousness
is this what you think you are?
i'm really sorry then.
sigh i don't really know what i want now...i just feel so tired.... sometimes i just wished none of this began. it's my life, but it's just spinning out of my control.
yes we're from two really different worlds. with totally different frequencies. when you need me to be serious, i am! but you just don't see eye to eye with the way i present my seriousness. when i'm serious, you're far from it. it just gets me frustrated, and you just think that's cute, and it just makes me more frustrated. but i can't just let you go like that. it's not possible when you've grown to be such a huge part of me, it's like i woke up one day and realised half my body ran away. but yet now, it's neither here nor there. it's just a relationship w/o status, without committment or responsibilites. it just doesn't hold water. it's a fantasy that will be shattered easily cause there's nothing holding it tgt. and it's not right. you don't practise what you preach. you say to let go, but you didn't. you told me not to cry, but you did. you said to put God in the center, but you're not doing so. you said we have a ban, and it was broken. you said you don't want to bring me pain, but it'll just come naturally. at the end of the day, i just feel so lost and empty.
i really don't want to study.. what's the point? i don't see myself doing well at all. i have absolutely no confidence in myself.. and i feel guilty, cause my parents spend money on me for tuition.. i feel so lousy and useless sometimes.. why did i even go to ac in the first place? why did i choose those subjects, how am i ever going to be able to shine for God? i'm just bringing unnecessary embarrasment to Him. i can never be as good as Junrong, as smart as my classmates, as achieving as my friends, as good-looking as them, as composed and wise, as loving and kind, as spiritual and hungry as them. i just lack so much! but it feels meaningless to chase after these perfections, because i don't see myself with these virtues...someone has to take bottom place for others to be on top. i'll volunteer for that bottom spot. i'm sure i'll do it well.
everyday i wake i try to convince myself it's a new and better day. but i can't help but have this premonition that i'd end the day with a heavy heart...
there's gotta be more to life. help me find what i'm searching for.
kaela @
9:50:00 PM
date:
Saturday, August 05, 2006
been having bad days and more bad days.
ergh.
on thurs, i broke my nail in the middle while playing bball and yes, it bled. it yes, it hurt damn badly=S but yiling gave me a dory plaster and it wasn't so bad after
ytd, ponned sch to mug at mc cafe lido with chun and grace. pretty pdtive. that was good. but i lost my ez-link card along with the ac attendance card. that was terrible. so i was stranded at lido, couldn't go anywhere. and my parents wanted to burn incense so they refused to pick me up. and i sat there alone at mc cafe, lost, frustrated and fuming .
bought my first ever single trip ticket to bb cause i refused to go home. met up with qiu and yawen at beans. felt better there, they pulled my spirits up.
tdy, had gp mock paper. 830 in the morn! and i forgot to bring out my ipod and mobile. which was damn inconvenient, cause i was supposed to meet up with the others to celeb shao's bday. ergh. plus i had 1 hour of bus trip to take w/o music=S
yes, paper ended damn late, cause it was full paper, essay + compre. at 1210, i rushed out of sch to take 74, and changed 171 at kap. damn long journey. i was so tired, i swear i could feel my head burning and constricting during tuition. it didn't help that i couldn't do my qns, or that i forgot to bring my tys. had to come home to reunite with my phone. and i'm in such a lousy mood, it doesn't make a difference cause i'm not picking up calls or replaying msges. heck i don't even feel like meeting up at jec, cause im damn broke and the rich people there want to have pizza. prob go down after.
okay, done whining.
bad days make me whinier.
kaela @
3:07:00 PM